Tuesday, August 19, 2014

why I am quiet

Let me take a moment to share some serious stuff with you. There is sewing going on here in Tucson, and riding, and home projects... but looming in the background is my old "friend", depression.
When Ross and I moved a few months ago, my enthusiasm was boundless.  We were here only a week at the most when one of my brothers was found dead on the side of the road, next to his bike.  The story behind this incident is long and ugly, and it really is only necessary to know that he was an older man living in a ratty motel, and drinking himself into oblivion.  Pete was unable to shake addiction out of his life...he had been through various programs, and we all rooted for him from time to time.  When he was doing well, he was a wonderful brother, and when he was using drugs or alcohol, he was mean and challenging.  I was afraid of him as a little girl and that says a lot.  His illness began early, as it does in many of us.  

Alcoholism doesn't care who you are, what your job is, how much money you make, or what god you believe in.  If it latches onto you due to the roll of the genetic dice, you are screwed.  You can avoid alcohol, you can succumb, you can work a 12 step program, you can take antabuse...but you are still an alcoholic. My brother gave up, and allowed the disease to take him.  I wish I could sit with him again, and discuss coping, and drinking, and family, and anger issues, and how we all manage this difficult life.  I will content myself with remembering our camping and fishing trips to Hat Creek in Lassen, and dinners out with the entire family. and spending time in the desert with Dad.  Rest easy now dear Pete.

I have not had a drink in 8 1/2 years, and I know that if I poured myself a glass of chardonnay, I would not stop at one.  I will not give up and allow this disease to take me.  Thank you for reading this far, and please, I didn't write this for sympathy, but to explain...and perhaps to share a deep part of the real me.




39 comments:

  1. Thank you THIS much for taking the time, energy, and trust to share this. I, for one, care for and admire you for all that you are (depression included!). A major move AND the loss of a family member are, of course, pretty Major Life Events, and really call for as much support as you can get. May the blogland community reach out to you with virtual hugs and loving and/or anything else you might need.... I consider myself one of the lucky ones has had the pleasure of meeting you in person :) {{{Mary}}}

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  2. Acccchhhh Mary. I had a niggling feeling and I am sorry for your losses sweet woman. Depression- some friend when it taps you on the shoulder. And despite that, you have courage for the truth. Thankfully you're reaching out; I'm reaching back with both hands. I count myself lucky for having met you. Much love dear Mary.

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  3. I was wondering about you this morning Mary, and wondered if the Black Dog was paying a visit. I am familiar with your battles, keep the sobriety up (I've been dry since my 20's, the gene is in my family too - depression and alcohol. ), do some enjoyable things everyday. I am sorry to hear about your brother, no doubt that has stirred up all sorts of feelings in you. Stay grounded, and stay well, please.

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  4. I too want to send my wishes to you at this awful time . The death of a brother hurts no matter what. One step at a time , big deep breaths and I hope your pain eases as quickly as is possible. Love Janine.

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  5. TSAB, Thank you for sharing. That it the one Black dog you are allowed to kick. ;) Now, do something nice for yourself, every day.
    Hugs.

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  6. Nothing any of us say will take the pain away though every one of us wish it could. As days come and go, the sorrow will also fade and then return then recede again. Thankfully there is no permanent human condition. "Sorrow may endure for a night (weeks, a year) but joy comes in the morning." My sister fears she will one day learn of a similar fate for my nephew. We all do.

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  7. I am so sorry. I am sending positive thoughts your way. Make sure you do nice things for yourself . Depression is a trickster disease.

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  8. I am so sorry, Mary. I'm sure your brother's death brought up a smorgasbord of pain, memories, loss, and other family issues. Add that to the major stress of a move... Yowza. Just know that you are a lovely person, and that you matter to me (and to a lot of people). Please take care.

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  9. Oh, Mary, my heart aches for you. Losing your brother, now and over the years, is so very sad. Thanks for sharing and feeling comfortable enough with your virtual friends to let us care and send you kind thoughts. A big move is already full of plenty of lovely surprises and inevitable disappointments. Here's hoping each day brings you some small happiness to counter the pains.

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  10. I am very sorry for your loss, Mary.

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  11. It took a lot of courage to write this, I am sure, and as time goes on and we all grow older, it seems there is so much we all share in one way or the other. My sincere sympathies to you and your family. Yes, be kind to yourself. Sometimes we are hardest on ourselves. Just know you've been missed.

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  12. Ah, Mary...you and I share a lot more than a love of sewing...I am so sorry about your brother and the up and down history of your relationship. Reaching out as you have done is one of the biggest steps out of the prison of depression. I hit bottom after we sold the winery and moved here...there's something about a move that leaves you open and vulnerable. You are loved and missed in cyberworld, and understood and held...I would be happy to have a further dialog with you if you want to...
    xx

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  14. Thank you, Mary, for sharing your vulnerability. I am also too familiar with addiction and depression. My sister took her life after suffering from both for many years. The wound of a tragic death of a sibling is deep, but it can heal. Please take at least baby steps toward taking care of yourself. Many hugs and much affection, and blessings and peace to you and your family.

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  15. I have no words that others have not already said, my thoughts are with you....

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  16. I'm sorry Mary, its awful watching your loved ones self destruct. Our family also has the addiction gene and we have lost 2 members thus far and will probably lose one more in the next year. I will never forget my dads face when he found out his youngest brother had passed away from complications due to his addiction. I'm sorry again, its a hard thing to go through.

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  17. I'm so sorry for your loss! I too, know the feelings you're going through. I think Creatives have a tendency towards excesses because of the passion we bring to our lives. I read somewhere that within the depths of depression if you just go outside your house for at least 15 minutes a day, it will help. I know sometimes that's a big chore, but know too that it can sometimes bring peace to sit outside and contemplate nature. I'm sending you hugs and lots of good healing energy! Hang in there, my friend!

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  18. Moving by itself is very hard. For me the second year or so here was the hardest. I cried every day for a year and I am not a crier. And Arizona is not a gentle, peaceful climate..... I'm so sorry about your brother, too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  19. My heart aches for you. Since I know depression, imagine that I'm sitting in the dark with you. Take care of yourself and know that your circle of friends and family are cheering for you. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers

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  20. I don't believe I've ever commented before, although I've enjoyed your blog for some time.

    Addictive tendencies thrive on loneliness, so thank God you've reached out. Peace to you.

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  21. So sorry to hear this. My dad was an alcoholic, and caused most of us much grief in our lives. Fortunately he was able to get sober towards the end of his life. I do drink, and sometimes worry about the addiction possibility in me, it's quite a scary thing. Your bravery will stand you well. Best wishes

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  22. Best wishes to you as you move through the current situation. Just adding my virtual support! - Brenda

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  23. I'm sorry for your loss, and for your depression too.
    Please know, you are loved.

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  24. Dear sweet beautiful Mary, I am also very familiar with drug abuse and alcoholism in my family, and my own lifelong battle with the big D. I know how the sad emptiness feels. It is right to mourn the passing of your brother, the end of a previous life somewhere else, what might have been. And it is hard as hell to move on. But you will, in time, because you are a strong woman.
    For now, I recommend carbs: pie, potatoes, chocolate or whatever comforts you. (really -- they'll boost your serotonin) Take good care of you. We're all on your side, and things WILL get better. :)

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  25. Thank you so much for sharing this part of the real Mary, It's a big thing to open up like this, and a good step in your healing process. I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother, and all you have been dealing with from the move. Major life events can really throw one for a loop, but I sense your strength and know you will heal from this trauma. I'm sending armloads of healing light and love your way!

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  26. Just a hug here from someone you don't know, but who cares nevertheless. My very best to you.

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  27. Mary, I am so sorry to hear about your brother.. I am sending prayers , and praying God will bless you and your family, and help you through this sad time in your life.
    Alcoholism and drugs are so rampant now..I think each family , has it in there lives.. So hard..
    Sending a big ole hug..

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  28. Sending thought & prayers from Phoenix area to you !!!

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  29. Alcoholism, depression and divorce are the only traditions in my family. I have managed to avoid the alcoholism (by abstaining) and divorce (by being very lucky in my choice of husband), but I was hit with the depression stick big time. As I haven't figured out how to handle it yet, I have nothing but sympathy and a shoulder to cry on or whine to, should you want one. Take care.

    I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, let us hope his pain is over now and he is in a better place.

    Lots of hugs.

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  30. Many hugs to you and prayers for you. I've picked my daughter up out of a roadside ditch, thankfully still alive, but I wait.....and wait....for the call I know that's coming, and my heart pounds with every phone ring, expecting this call to be the one. But there won't be peace then, only more grief. I feel your pain. I pray you find something to smile about and joy returns to your life in ever increasing moments.

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  31. Thank you. Everytime someone shares it demystifies and reminds us all that we are not to be ashamed of having needs and problems. Prayers for you and your family.

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  32. I can only cheer you on in your resolve to beat this. My (step)brother is an alcoholic, and the safest place for him is in prison, where he isn't tempted.

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  33. Warm thoughts are surrounding you Mary. I lost my big sister far too long before her time and I know what a wrench it is. The good will always be part of you.. Mkuch love

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  34. Oh, I missed you! So sorry, Mary dear. Too many big things at once hit you too hard. Everyone has already said what I feel much better than I could.

    I'm glad you were able to share your pain and loss with those who really care and understand what you're going through. I lost a baby sister to mental illness and addiction. It's so hard when you want to help but they just bring you into their bad place with them. There are never any easy answers, are there? Hang in there, my dear, and take care of yourself.

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  35. Hugs to you, friend I've never met. You're a really strong woman and I admire you for that. Take good care.

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  36. Hope you are doing ok. Do something nice for yourself and get lots of hugs from Ross. Janine.

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  37. Thanks, Mary, for sharing this. I know it sounds trite, but my thoughts, heart and prayers are with you. Hang in there. One day at a time.

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  38. I'm not sure how I missed this post. Thanks for this, Mary. You have great strength and courage. I too come from an alcoholic family and have depression that I (mostly) manage. I admire you for sharing this.

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