Monday, April 14, 2014

risk, fear and complacency

It's 4:30 am...my dream self and day self have met up again.  I get up quietly, pad downstairs grabbing a blanket as I go, and hope that little Nick will join me.  He does, and as I settle into the downstairs couch, he jumps up and curls himself into a tidy ball behind my knees.

Sometimes I can sleep some more but today is not one of those days.  This is new for me, this waking in the cold dark, shaking off the dreams in which I manage multiple lesson plans in a busy classroom, or solve complicated problems, or even escape from unknown danger.  My brain is busy nowadays, making sure that I am aware of risk, and details left undone, and problems unsolveable.  Thank you brain.  Thank you.

Interesting.  We can plan for contingencies, save money to be used in the future, forego risk in place of security...and then to meet some risk well armed sends our poor brains into panic mode.

So, I am leaving my established life here in Oregon.  I am saying goodbye to my home, so lovingly restored, and to my friends, so carefully tended, and to wilderness surrounding me.  I am saying goodbye to my dear Woodrow, who will stay here in his retirement as it is healthier for him.  I won't hear the flickers calling, nor the bluejays.  There won't be deer in the yard anymore, or bunny tracks in the snow.

I am leaving all that and going to a city filled with sunshine, with a university, with music, books, and art.  There will be mountains surrounding me, though farther away than now.  There will be saguaros, roadrunners, snakes and cactus wrens.  Adobe homes, and dry riverbeds.  Monsoons and lightning, sunrises and sunsets to fascinate.

Jane M, of Lucky So and So, said she admired my aplomb.  ha!  Jane, here is the real truth...I'm scared.   That won't stop me though-never has, never will.  Complacency is not where I want to live.



Cowgirl up.


15 comments:

  1. I think although it's hard to give up everything familiar, that it is an exciting adventure to move into an unknown area and make a new life for yourself. I have done it, a few times. Your picture is right. The magic happens when you move out of your comfort zone. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts as you embark on the next new and exciting chapter of your life! Hugs.

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  2. You are not alone in this, Mary. We just had the neighbors behind us pack up, sell everything and move to your state. The wife of the couple had a few anxiety attacks just before they left as they were leaping into the unknown without much of a safety net. You will make new friends and establish new routines and eventually the nervous brain will calm down.
    Theresa in Tucson

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  3. So that's what I've had all these sleepless years, busy brain. Likely I don't give it enough workout during the day. I am so excited for you. I love to move, not the packing crap, but the going to live somewhere different. Of course my list of states looks quite different from your list. ;) And look, you'll have a Theresa in both states!

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  4. We only have one life to live, and it is ours, and only ours, to live as we so choose. You go girl! What wonderful adventures you have to explore before you!

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  5. I think you've described how I travel through all of life's changes. There's the outer version which does plan and then take the leap....and that 2:30 in the morning brain that runs through all the less than savory possibilities. Each change has brought me so many great things....new friends, new experiences and also lessons for the future. Bravo and thanks for taking us along on your journey.

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  6. So beautifully expressed, Mary. I am not surprised that this is scary and I am also not surprised that you will do it anyway. You strike me as one tough broad, and I admire your fortitude. I predict a very exciting time ahead for both of you!

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  7. Such interesting times for you! Thanks for sharing this. So inspiring and uplifting.

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  8. Thinking of you on your new undertaking. Going a'journey...the excitement and anticipation mixed with a sense of loss for what you have not yet left. Hoping it is a joyful and wonderful time for you both.

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  9. Mary, while we have never meant face to face, we have enjoyed a Facebook relationship, tying us together through our animals. I have figured out you are a strong and intelligent women and because of that I know you will do well. You will find all kind of interesting things to fill your days and what a perfect time to make that change. The thing about moving away is that your friends left behind will always be here for you to visit on Facebook or in person.

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  10. Mary, change is often scary. Both of us know that. You have always been one who has been courageous enough and desired so much more that what you have experienced in the past.

    Wishing you the best,

    Jen

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  11. Good luck with your new adventure - I would be scared too - its how I felt getting married again after 20 years of divorce and then I followed that with selling my parents old house to move into our lovely new home and we couldn't be happier - I am sure you will be saying the same soon. Good luck and best wishes Pauline

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  12. So beautifully written, Mary :) Wishing you the smoothest transition with lots of joy to offset the things you'll miss. May your new home bring you more fabulosity than you dream of! :)

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  13. It isn't easy to move - I've done it often (first time as a child - migrated with family, I was age 9). In some ways, it is quite thrilling, but also never easy. I think with all varied cultural life in your new home, you will find much to your liking - and hopefully new friends too. Sleep can be a darn nuisance when there are worries - it does tend to slip away.

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  14. Good luck. Sounds like your new home is in the desert . Well nothing ventured nothing gained but you seem like the kind of person who will embrace change in a positive challenging way .

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  15. The very best ideas come in the middle of the night. I so admire you: travelling, variety of hobbies and interests, adventures, new life.....you'll never be without friends and you'll make home where you happen to be.

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